On the Edge
by evil superman
Summary: When John doesn’t come back from an offworld mission Elizabeth finds herself on the edge.
1. Chapter 1

Title: On the Edge

Summary: When John doesn't come back from an off-world mission Elizabeth finds herself on the edge.

Paring: Sheppard/Weir

Spoilers: None.

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis is not mine. Only the story line and any made up characters that may appear in the story belong to me.

Warnings: Suspected character death, disturbing elements (depression, cutting…).

A/N: I'm not sure where this story came from but the last few days have been pretty shitty for me and I needed to blow off some steam and since writing usually helps me do that I sat myself down at the computer and just started writing, this is what came out.

* * *

(Elizabeth's point of view) 

Six months, it's been six months since John stepped through the Stargate and never came back. Six months since I lost the love of my life. After six months with no word from John and no luck with our search efforts I was forced to make the decision to officially declare him missing in action and presumed dead, we held the memorial service for him today. The service made everything seem so much more final. There's no longer any hope – no more pretending – that he'll suddenly reappear and tell me that every things ok.

I've lost people I love before but I never expected to lose him; he was my support, my rock and my comfort, my one safe harbor. I never doubted we'd be together for years; maybe even forever. Then this happened and I'm left to wonder; why? After all we've been through, all the tears and joys we have shared I still can't believe we'll never share anything ever again. I still can't believe that from now on he'll live only in my memories.

We had every obstacle in our way yet we made it work; we had three great years together, three years to love him and be loved back. The memories of those three years are now all I have left to cling to at night. God, if only I knew why. If only I could understand why…?

Tears run down my face and no matter what I do I can't stop them; they keep falling like a waterfall of misery. I feel so broken up inside that I can barely walk. I can barely stand, I don't eat or sleep anymore – how can I do any of those things when my reason for living is gone?

I always figured I'd have time to tell him what he truly meant to me; how he held my heart in his hands. I figured I had time, but now I have none. All the plans we made; for tomorrow, for next year, for our future they're all gone.

I don't know which feeling is worse the anger or sadness. I'm angry at the universe for taking him away from me, angry that life has gone on even though he's not here, angry that even though my heart has shattered I still have a job to do, that I have to put on an act so that the others can't see what is really happening to me. And worst of all I'm angry at him for dying…for leaving me.

A sadness envelopes me like coldness in every cell of my body, like a piece of me is gone, lost and broken. I feel his absence like a knife in my heart, like a fire in my body, eating me up alive. The sadness makes me feel like I want to die sometimes. I never knew I could feel this much pain and still be alive. The agony I feel tears me up inside and breaks me in two; surely no one can hurt as badly as I do and survive.

All this pain, so much pain, I never thought love could bring so much pain. It feels like I'm being cut in two everywhere I turn I imagine I see him, every night I feel his arms around me…but when I wake up he's gone and I'm left feeling cold and empty, so cold, always so cold. I fear I'll never be warm again.

I feel so utterly cold and lost and just wish for it all to be a bad dream, to wake up in his arms, safe in his embrace, but it isn't a nightmare; this is cold, hard reality. I miss him everyday. Even just the imagined reflection of him in the mirror or his scent on the pillow next to mine causes me to fall apart.

I can barely breathe, barely move anymore. If I try to speak I find I can't. When I try to focus I find I can't; my eyes are clouded by tears and my heart is clouded by pain. I feel like my legs are breaking under me and I'm falling towards the ground, with no one to catch me.

His death has left a void in my heart that no one can ever fill. I wish there was someone to blame for his death. Someone, anyone I could let my frustration out on; an enemy, a war, anything. But there are none. I thought he was unbreakable but now I see even the strongest can fall. These last few months have been a nightmare but at least before today I could still pretend it was just that; a bad dream. Now, I have nothing left, nothing at all. I feel so alone and cold…like someone has killed the sun and drowned the stars forever.

I know the others are worried about me, about the fact that they haven't seen me shed a single tear in all this time. Worried about how I refuse to take the bait at their attempts to make me break down for my own good. But no matter how I feel I just can't seem to let myself give them what they want. I'm still the person in charge, I'm still the leader of the expedition and as such I refuse to let anyone see how much his disappearance is really affecting me, no matter how much I may want to.

* * *

It's been a week since the memorial service and I can't take it anymore, I can't deal with all the looks of pity everyone gives me, all the false promises that things will get better, all the people that flock around me so that I'm never alone – no one has come right out and said it but I can see it in their eyes, they're all afraid of what I might do if left alone. And to be honest sometimes I'm afraid of what I'll do too, but after a week the need to get away, to just be alone for a while becomes too over powering and I find myself escaping to the southwest pier – one his favorite spots in the whole city. I know it won't be long until someone finds me or I'm needed back in the control room, but even just a few minutes alone would be nice. 

For the last hour I've sat on the pier staring at the piece of broken glass I hold in one of my hands. I don't really remember where I found the piece of glass or even why I started, but about two weeks after John first went missing I found myself sitting in my dark room watching as the moon light glinted off the glass as I gently dragged it over my arm. In all these months I've never once actually broken the skin, never actually drawn blood, but I've wondered from time to time what it would be like, what would happen if I did cross that line and actually draw blood. As strange as it may sound it helps….in a way, when things get so confusing and my mind feels like it's about to explode and I'm left with nowhere to go and with a desire to just scream and never stop.

I think the reason I do it is because of all the mixed feelings running through me. All the feelings of loneliness, sadness, abandonment, and sometimes it's just the feeling of being down and depressed. I can't always say when it'll come, just suddenly it's there like a shadow made by the sun. Suddenly I feel like crying, fighting, screaming…and even dying. Suddenly it feels like everything is spinning out of control and about to explode.

After all these months it all gets to be too much and I just want something to ease the indescribable pain I feel within so I do something I haven't done before, I make a small slice in my finger and finally draw blood for the first time; it's just a small cut but it still bleeds a lot. It's fascinating in a weird way to follow the drops of blood as they run down my hand.

I'm not sure how long I just sat the watching the blood on my hand, but suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by someone calling me over the radio about a briefing in five minutes. I'm torn between wanting them to see the cut I've made and wanting to hide it. In the end I decided to just let it be and wonder if anyone notices.

After several long briefings I'm finally able to make it back to my solitude on the southwest pier. No one seemed to notice the small cut I had made earlier. Maybe I didn't want them to…maybe I needed them to. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if I've always felt the way I do now, it seems like it's been a lifetime since things felt good. I used to never have a care in the world as long as he was by my side, with him there I could make it through anything. But that all changed when he failed to came back to me. In a heartbeat I lost everything of value to me.

I know that I'm safe here and I guess I'm also loved here, but ever since he disappeared things have gone downhill. Nothing amuses me anymore, nothing holds my interest. I'm torn, lost and alone. I don't want to be alone, yet I find myself trying to shy away from everybody. I'm depressed but mad at myself for being so because I know that's the last he thing he'd want me to be…I'm so confused and lost. My mind is a conflicted and confusing mix even I can't sort out anymore.

I feel like no one understands me. I just feel like sitting alone and feeling sorry for myself…crying, tears on my cheeks, a piece of glass in my hand. Words can never explain how I feel and no one would understand…Maybe I don't want them to maybe I don't want them to see through the act I put on for them. It's at times like these I wonder if I'm crazy, if I'm lost forever.

I feel so lost…so alone. I can't explain what I feel. Everything in my mind blends together, my heart hurts with a steady pain. So many images play before my eyes as I again stare at the piece of glass in my hand.

Having already crossed the line and drawn blood once it's not hard to stare in fascination as I put the glass to the skin inside my palm and draw a line, biting my teeth together over the pain, but the physical pain is welcomed because it drowns out the indescribable pain within me. I wait a little and then I see the small drops of blood peek forth from the wound and begin to run. I'm strangely content at that moment; I don't feel any pain within me nor any pain over the cut…my mind is a blank and I'm….not happy but not sad either. I just am.

And I'm left to wonder…..is that what death is like?


	2. Chapter 2

I couldn't believe it, eight months, two weeks, four days, six hours, and forty minutes after a roughed up and beaten Teyla, Rodney and Aiden had returned together, alone, declaring they honestly had no idea where Major Sheppard was John came stumbling back through the Stargate.

When the gate had activated and John's IDC had been received I'd froze I couldn't move, it was like my whole body had just shut down. I don't know who decided to lower the shield but before I knew it there he was standing in the gate room looking like he'd been dragged through hell and back.

He'd been standing right there and I hadn't been ready to believe it. My head had yelled at me not to trust that the thing I want most had just stumbled through the Stargate, that it couldn't really be him, that he was dead and that I had to be dreaming – I'd dreamt of his return many times, many different scenarios. My heart screamed at me to accept what I was seeing, that he really was standing there, that he was real.

I don't know how long we stood there watching each other while everybody else around use stayed still holding their breath. I knew they'd been hoping that maybe now I'd finally have – in their opinion – my long over due emotional breakdown, not realizing I'd already had several in private.

I ignored the shocked and stunned looks everyone gave me when I turned my back on John, ordering him to be escorted to the infirmary. I refused to let myself believe it was really him until Carson ran every last test he possibly could to either prove or disprove that the man who'd been standing in the gate room was John Sheppard.

I ignored the silence that hung over the room as I exited it. They were getting more and more frequent these days and it bothered me sometimes, but at least they'd all stopped actively trying to get me to talk, which was something.

I've been sitting in my dark room for the last several hours, unable to force myself down to the infirmary even after Carson contacted me telling me that as far as he could tell it really was John. I don't understand why I can't just let myself except that it's really him that he's not dead and that he's finally come home.

I watch as the moonlight reflects off the broken piece of glass as it tears into the skin of my arm. When I sit alone with a broken piece of glass in my hand and let it cut, it's like nothing else matters, there are no life or death decisions to deal with, there's no pain and at that moment I'm almost at peace. I don't cut to kill, few people do. I cut to escape, to say something…because everything is spinning around, everything is so confusing and painful and I feel so lost and alone….I just have to do it. Its different things that trigger it: a hard day, feelings, thoughts...memories. The good memories hurt more than the bad ones do.

I usually only cut inside my palms; hidden yet visible if anyone cares enough to look closely. But sometimes if things get really bad I'll cut on my upper arms or even on my legs; always somewhere easy to hide. When I first cut I thought the scars would become visible, but I see now that as the old ones have healed they fade and blend into the natural lines inside my palms. Something in me is happy about it yet something in me wanted clear scars…obvious ones. I'm as confused on this matter as everything else. I feel embarrassed about cutting yet proud at the same time, I want people to see it yet I don't, I want people to know yet I don't….I'm not sure what I want anymore.

Sometimes I just feel so tired, my head hurts, my vision is blurred and my mind is spinning out of control. I'm not sure what to make of anything and in the end I do nothing. It is like anger without the power, without the energy. I feel like the shattered and broken piece of glass I hold in my hand; broken, lost, alone, confused, strained….no longer complete or whole. I know I shouldn't do it, I know it's wrong….but I need to, I need it to keep me sane.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I startled at the familiar voice, not having heard John enter the room. Dropping down next to me John pulled the piece of glass out of my hand, using a part of his shirt to try and stem the flow of blood.

"Go away." I whisper, not wanting him to see me like this. I tried pulling away from him, but John just tightened his grip on my arm pulling me closer to him, wrapping me in a comforting embrace.

At that moment I finally realized that it was him, he really was real and I began crying. John gently coaxed me off the floor and onto the bed never taking his arms from around me. Lying there on the bed I buried my face in his shoulder and sobbed more hopelessly than before. The pitiful sobs racked my body as John held onto me for dear life.

I know he's confused and frightened about what he saw me doing, but at the moment I know that all that matters to him is making sure I'm ok and that makes me cry even harder. Here he is after having just gotten back from who knows where, after going through who knows what and all he can think about doing is trying to comfort me when it should be the other way around and for that I despise myself.

A sudden serge of rage flowed through me and I struggled to pull away, I didn't want his pity or comfort, I didn't deserve it, but John refused to let me go no matter how hard I fought him. After awhile my strength and energy disappeared and I gave up struggling. We lay entangled for several minutes as our breathing slowed, my head once again buried against his shoulder. Soon my breathing slowed to the rhythm of sleep and my mind began to cloud as sleep took over. I shut down completely, able to feel his heartbeat and my own, and unable to distinguish between the two.

* * *

Brushing a stray lock of hair from Elizabeth's eyes John pulled the blanket over them ever so slightly drawing it up around Elizabeth's sleeping form. John had to admit he'd been confused and even slightly hurt when he'd come through the gate and Elizabeth had ordered him taken to the infirmary turning her back on him with out even so much as a hello. 

When it had become obvious that she wasn't going to come see him in the infirmary John had instigated a small jail break – which Carson had turned a blind eye to – and gone in search of Elizabeth. Stepping into Elizabeth's room and seeing her dig a piece of glass into her arm had caused John to feel more terror than he'd ever thought possible for one person to feel. Fearing he was about to loose the one thing that had gotten him through his months away from home, the one thing that had kept him sane John had quickly jumped into action grabbing the piece of glass away from Elizabeth and tried to stem the bleeding.

He had no idea what had driven Elizabeth to do what she'd did – and by the looks of the scars it hadn't been the first time – but John was determined that when she woke up he was going to get some answers and then he was going to do what ever the hell it took to get his Elizabeth back. He hadn't fought tooth and nail to get back home to her only to loose her soon after.

* * *

The warm feeling of the morning sunlight streaming in through the window on my face woke me up. Waking up a bit more I realized that one of my arms was drawn out at an awkward angle, cracking my eyes open I saw John studying the scars on my arm. Moving my gaze from my arm to John's face I found him staring at me, with a look I couldn't identify, searching for something, what I'm not sure. 

Frowning slightly I pulled my arm back and started moving off the bed. Almost out of the bed I was stopped short when John gently but firmly grasped my wrist, forcing my fingers to uncurl and traced a finger over the scars there.

"Why?" John twisted my arm around slightly so that I could see the palm of my hand.

Suddenly feeling an over whelming urge to flee I snatched my hand back and finished getting out of bed, refusing to meet John's gaze. I wanted to tell him, I did, but I couldn't find the words, I didn't know how to put everything in to terms he'd understand.

"Elizabeth…" John followed after me, grabbing both my shoulders, forcing me to turn around and face him. Grasping both my arms John lifted them up between us. "Why?"

"I…I don't know." I whispered, trying to pull free of his hold.

"Damn it Elizabeth don't lie to me!" John stared straight into my eyes, not loosening his hold.

"John-!" My voice caught in my throat.

"Why?" John questioned again.

"Because you left and didn't come back! Because some alien planet had taken you from me and wasn't going to give you back! Because I thought I could convince myself everything was going to be okay but I couldn't! Because I love you more than I thought it possible for any one person to love another and it _hurt_ like hell when you left me here all _alone_!" I shouted, starting to get pissed.

John had his arms wrapped tightly around me before I could fight him off. I stayed perfectly still, jaw clenched tight, pissed as hell that John had forced all of that out of me. Standing there in John's arms I tried to force a reaction, but nothing happened no matter how hard I tried.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry…I'm sorry." And that was it; with John's whispered tear choked apologies the dam broke.

I felt the tears start falling from my eyes and the more I commanded them to stop, the more they decided to escape. Before long I was crying like there was no tomorrow and cling to John for everything I was worth.

Time stood still. John still had his arms wrapped around me and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just let me go. I wasn't the same person he knew anymore, I didn't deserve to be there standing in his arms, taking comfort from him. But the fact that he wouldn't let go gave me hope that maybe just maybe there was a chance for me.

"Why are you forcing me to do this?" I don't know what made me ask him that, but some small part of me needed to know.

"I'm not forcing you to do anything. I'm just trying to make you see and understand that it's not ok, that your way of coping with my disappearance was the wrong way to go about it. But I'm back now and I swear I don't plan on going anywhere for a long while, will get through this together, I promise."

Tightening my hold on John I just stood there and let him hold me, putting my complete faith and trust in him to make everything alright again. Even if it took him eternity I knew he'd do it.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Ok I hadn't planed on doing anymore with this story, but since my reviewers asked so kindly for more and I vaguely had an idea for another chapter I gave in and wrote this one. This chapter won't be as dark and depressing as the other two since I pretty much seem to be over what ever it was that possessed me to write this story in the first place, but hopefully it still works with the other chapters.

* * *

John held Elizabeth as she finally let go of some of the emotional strain she had been carrying for so long. When she finally cried herself out and fell asleep against his chest John gently picked her up and laid her in her bed, pulling the covers over her. Once he was sure Elizabeth was out cold a pissed-off John stormed out the door headed for the infirmary. 

He couldn't believe that they had allowed this to happen, that they'd allowed things to get so bad with Elizabeth. They were supposed to be her friends, her family they should've been helping her. How could none of them have seen what was happening? Elizabeth had obviously been in need of some help, so why hadn't anyone been there to give it to her?

Storming down the corridors John glared at anyone he came across, brushing past them without sparing them so much as a second glance; he was a man on a mission and nothing was going to stop him. John was beyond thought, beyond caring about anything but Elizabeth.

Entering the infirmary John found Carson and Rodney – the two people he was currently blaming the most out of everyone – in Carson's office. Later, John knew he would realize he'd been an ass laying all the blame on Rodney and Carson, but at the moment he didn't care the two men were supposed to be Elizabeth's two closest friends next to him and they hadn't done a damn thing to help her.

"How the hell could the two of you just stand by while things got so bad?" John demanded as he burst into the office, thinking the door closed behind him, wishing he could actually slam the door shut. Shocked by John's sudden appearance and the anger in his voice it was a minute before either answered.

"What are you talking about?" Carson questioned, getting over his surprise first.

"What am I talking about? I'm fucking talking about the fact that Elizabeth is a complete wreck and that her _supposed_ friends obviously didn't try or even care enough to help her!"

"Hey what the hell gives you the right to just barge in here and accuse us of not caring, of not trying?" Rodney answered this time. He knew John was probably shocked by the state Elizabeth was in, but that didn't give him the right to make the accusations he was.

"We tried, we _all_ tried, tried to get her to talk, tried to get her to show even the slightest hint of emotion, but she wouldn't, not to any of us." Carson stared John straight in the eyes.

"Well you should've tried harder." Every molecule of anger John had felt since he'd walked in on Elizabeth cutting herself, had reached the boiling point. "There's no fucking excuse for any of you letting Elizabeth get this bad!"

"Fuck you John! You don't have a damn clue about the hell Elizabeth's been going through because she thought you were dead." Rodney was pissed as hell now. "Do you think any of us like seeing her this way, do you think _I_ like seeing her this way? I mean shit John I've been in love with Elizabeth since I met her, but for some unfathomable reason she chose you, chose to give her heart completely to you. And I'll admit at first I wasn't happy about it, but I got over it, I've accepted it, that doesn't mean I've stopped loving her any less."

"We tried our best to help her pick up the pieces but you have to realize the only person she wanted to do that was you. She wouldn't accept our offers of help no matter how much we wanted her to." Carson interjected hoping to keep John and Rodney's tempers from flaring out of control.

"If Elizabeth wasn't so completely head over heels in love with you things never would've gotten so bad." Rodney continued as if Carson hadn't spoken. "So if you wanna place blame, try looking in a mirror!"

That was the last straw, before anyone had time to react John's fist connected with Rodney's jaw. Instead of stumbling to the floor in a heap like John had expected, Rodney simply stumbled back a step then shot back with his own damaging swing. It connected soundly snapping John's head back with the force of the blow. For a moment neither man moved then like a crack of lightning Rodney found himself pinned viciously to the wall, two hands gripping at the sides of his shirt. Blood dripped from the corner of both men's mouths, going unnoticed.

Sliding the back of his hand across his face, Rodney wiped at the trickling blood and broke the tense silence. "Elizabeth loves you more than I've ever seen some one love another, she would do anything for you and you really have no idea the power you have over her, do you?"

For the slightest of seconds empathy and guilt reigned clear on John's face; yeah he knew exactly what kind of power he had over Elizabeth because she had the exact same power over him and it scared the shit out of him to think what either of them could do with that power. Shoving off the man John burrowed his hand in his unruly hair. Rodney didn't dare move, his world already tilting to one side.

"You both claim to care about Elizabeth so tell me how could you just sit idly by as she became self-destructive?" John, his anger fading slightly, his energy depleting, and head swimming, questioned both men pleadingly. "I've seen the damn scars you can't deny their existence, can't deny that something more should have been done!"

"What scars?" Carson felt a sense of dread as he asked the question. Carson's question caused John to pause and just stare at the doctor, stunned. "John what scars?" Carson asked again with more force.

"The ones all over her palms and arms…" John paused at seeing the momentarily confused looks on Rodney and Carson's faces. Something suddenly clicked in John's head; they didn't know, they had no idea what Elizabeth had been doing. "You have no idea what I'm talking about do you? How could you not know? I mean fuck the scars are right there if anyone actually cared enough to look."

Watching the emotions play over Carson and Rodney's faces as understanding settled in about what he'd just said the last of John's anger and energy drained away. Shoulders slightly slumped John moved over to the small sink in the far corner of Carson's office, turning on the water and gently running his hands under the cool rush of liquid, splashing it against his face.

Swiping the last of the blood off his face John turned back to the others, a pained expression playing across his face. "I'm sorry you guys didn't deserve to have all that thrown at you. It never crossed my mind that you might not have known, if it had I might not have gotten quite as pissed, but seriously how could you have not known what Elizabeth was doing?" John didn't wait for an answer before stalking out of the office and the infirmary headed back to Elizabeth's room.

* * *

A/N: Alright I'm thinking one more chapter and this story will be done. Let me know what you think of this story so far. 


	4. Chapter 4

Arriving back at Elizabeth's quarters John was surprised to find the door locked. Worried but not quite ready to take away Elizabeth's right to privacy John took a deep breath and knocked on the door hoping that Elizabeth would open the door for him.

"Elizabeth please let me in." John called softly when his knock went un-answered. He knew she was in there he could hear slight sounds of movement in the room.

On the other side of the door Elizabeth sat on the floor leaning against her bed with her knees drawn up so she could rest her forehead on them. She'd known it was John at her door before he even knocked, hoping he'd get the message and leave her alone Elizabeth had stayed put even after he started pleading with her to open the door and let him in.

The calming warmth in John's voice had almost been enough for her to open the door but she couldn't. She couldn't bring her self to face him just yet. She feared that if she opened the door, removed the barrier between them she would snap like a twig standing in the way of a torrential storm. She knew that if John really wanted to come in he would, all he had to do was use his ATA gene to open the door, but she hoped he wouldn't.

The lack of response from Elizabeth was really beginning to worry and even slightly scare John. Taking in a sharp breath, his mind coming up with all kinds of things that he might find on the other side of the door, John used his ATA gene to open the door and stepped silently inside. Spotting Elizabeth in the darkened room John slid down next to her sitting in a similar position to hers.

"Hey…" John whispered softly, rubbing a comforting hand over Elizabeth's back, not missing the way he body shook slightly. Weary and worn out, Elizabeth tried to stop the shaking, fully disgusted with her self for showing such weakness.

Not saying anything John reached out a hand and ran it through Elizabeth's hair. When silent tears started flowing down Elizabeth's cheeks John gently brought her head closer to his, placing a kiss at the beginning of her hairline while leaning his head atop hers. Whispering calm words of apology and assurance into her ears John continued rubbing Elizabeth's back while pressing more light kisses to the top of her head.

Elizabeth couldn't believe how much she'd missed having John's arms wrapped tightly around her. Mesmerized by the unbelievable feelings it created, the tears came back in full force. The heart shattering sobs lost all cohesion in the black shirt that covered his chest. She'd craved to have his arms around her ever since he'd gone missing, it was something she felt weak for wanting, having never believed he'd come back to her. Yet here he was, running his hands along her back. She basked in his touch, letting it swarm her every sense, consume her very being because she knew, knew that this wasn't a 'forever' but a 'for the moment' because there was always the chance that next time really would be the time she lost John.

The emotions tried to make her cry harder but she'd already reached her quota. There were so many tears to cry but she lacked the energy. Her head throbbed violently in the wake of the storm of tears. The chest she now leaned on heavily rumbled as John whispered something incomprehensible to her. She felt herself start to move back and forth in a soft melodic rocking that soothed her for a moment.

Concentrating solely on breathing, Elizabeth didn't notice when John gently picked her up off the ground and moved the both of them onto the bed where she laid spooned in John's more than capable arms as he stroked her hair away from her face. As Elizabeth grew quiet, John was almost sure it was over, at least for now.

Pulling her closer to him, John nestled his chin into the crook of her neck and whispered quietly into Elizabeth's ear. "I'm here for you."

The statement was simple enough but it clicked something inside Elizabeth because she stiffened in his arms. Moving onto his elbow, John stared down into her eyes. Albeit swollen they were still shockingly gorgeous.

"What?" The question flowed from John's mouth as if it were an endearment and if she weren't so depleted, Elizabeth would have been shocked at the gentleness he was exuding.

Remaining silent, she simply shook her head and rolled back over. Snuggling deeper into the pillow, she fought off the fears of abandonment that were slowly creeping up on her; for some reason she couldn't accept his words for truth. Settling for the moment she was being graced with right now, she stifled a moan when his arm linked around hers. She wrapped herself up in him, using him like a blanket. With John's head resting above hers on the pillow, she nestled hers under his chin and soon drifted off.

* * *

Shifting in bed John, his body still wrapped up in sleep's hazy fog, rolled over to pull Elizabeth closer to him. Instead of landing on her waist, his arm hit an empty and rather cold spot on the bed. In a brief moment of panic John's eyes snapped open taking in the room around him. He let out a small sigh of relief when he spotted her standing by the window staring out at the view. 

"Elizabeth?" John sat up on the edge of the bed.

"I thought I was doing ok… that I was finally starting to get a handle on everything. Before the other night it had been almost two weeks since I last cut, hell I hadn't even felt the overwhelming urge to cut in those two weeks." Elizabeth started speaking softly, never turning away from the window. "But then you came walking back through the gate and it all fell apart. I can't stop thinking about it, it's taking everything I have just to keep from trying to find a piece of glass, or a knife, something, anything that I can cut with. It scares me because now that you're here I shouldn't need or want to do it anymore, but I do, I want to do it so bad that I'm afraid to trust myself…" Her eyes pricked with tears but she didn't give them a chance to fall.

John didn't know what to say or do. It was tearing him up inside seeing Elizabeth like this. Getting off the bed John moved to take Elizabeth in his arms but she side stepped around him.

"Don't John…please just don't." Elizabeth moved back putting space between her and John.

"Don't what? Talk to me Elizabeth please." John pleaded.

"Don't look at me with that look of fear in your eyes, like you don't know who or what I am anymore."

"I _am_ scared Elizabeth. I was terrified that I was going to lose you the other night. I didn't just spend the last eight months in a fucking slave camp fighting to stay alive, fighting to get home, I didn't condemn the man who helped me to escape, to certain death because I convinced him to stand up to his people and say what they were doing was wrong only to finally get home and end up losing you. So believe me when I say hell yeah I'm scared. It's scaring the shit out of me that I don't know what to do to help you."

"It's scaring me too." Elizabeth whispered as she moved closer to John allowing him to hold her.

"I want you to talk to Heightmeyer." John felt Elizabeth tense up as she tried to pull away from him, but he refused to let her go. "Elizabeth please, you need help, help that I can't give you by myself. I promised we'd get through this together and we will, but you have to work with me here. All of this is way out of my league and it hurts like hell to admit I can't help you on my own, but I'm man enough to admit that I…_we_… need help."

"Alright I'll talk to her."

Taking a slight step back John gently but firmly took Elizabeth's face in both his hands forcing her to look at him. "I mean it Elizabeth, don't humor me don't brush me off on this one. I'll drag you to Heightmeyer's office myself if I have to. Promise me you'll do this for me."

"I promise." Elizabeth wrapped her arms around John resting her head against his chest when he let go of her face. "I promise."

* * *

Elizabeth stood outside Kate's office door, waiting. She wasn't sure what exactly it was she was waiting for. Maybe it was for her stomach to stop twisting into knots, or for her feet to just move, or for her self to be ready to talk about this. Elizabeth had to admit she was scared, scared to go in there and find out just how screwed up she really was. 

Elizabeth turned away from the door, fully intending to softly walk back to her room and leave it alone for now, but the annoying voice it her head that sounded frustratingly enough like John reminding her of her promise made Elizabeth stop part way down the corridor.

"Elizabeth?"

For a fraction of a second Elizabeth contemplated ignoring Kate, pretending that she hadn't heard the other woman and continuing down the corridor, but that annoying voice spoke up again forcing Elizabeth to turn around and face whatever was to come head on.

"You're late, I was starting to think I'd have to call John to track you down." Kate tried to keep her voice light, knowing that in her office talking with her was the last place Elizabeth wanted to be.

John, right the whole reason she was here in the first place. Letting out a small sigh Elizabeth started back towards Kate. She could do this, it was just talking nothing to it. Stuffing her hands into her pockets to hide the fact that they were shaking Elizabeth silently entered Kate's office taking a seat in one of the visitor chairs. Sitting down as well Kate took a moment to look Elizabeth over. Elizabeth looked like she hadn't slept in days and had possibly lost a few pounds.

Seeing the way Elizabeth sat absently fidgeting with a loose thread on her shirt looking every where but at her, Kate reached out a hand and gently placed it over one of Elizabeth's, stopping the fidgeting.

"Elizabeth it's ok to be nervous even scared. You've been through a lot these last few months. Admitting you need help is nothing to be ashamed of. You're not alone here, there are several of us in the city who want to help you if you'll let us."

Looking at Kate and meeting her gaze for the first time since entering the room Elizabeth paused for a moment searching for something in the other woman's eyes. Finding what she was looking for; a true desire to help, Elizabeth gave a slight nod. She could do this, it wouldn't be an over night thing it would take time be with help from Kate, John, and the others she would get through this.

Giving Kate's hand a slight squeeze of gratitude Elizabeth started talking.


End file.
